Last night I had a moment of anxiety. I thought to myself, "why are you not working?" And I work, just not the typical 40 hours a week. And especially right now, I don't work very much, and neither does Kenny. It's winter and we both work for a landscaping company, so there's not much landscaping in the winter. And if it snows we work. He plows and I help with the calls that come in about how their driveways weren't plowed.
But other than that we don't work much. And it has only been a week and a half. I'm not sure why it struck me the way it did, but I find myself questioning our entire lives.
Will we have enough money?
What if we want to adopt some day? Babies cost money.
What if our car breaks down or the furnace goes out?
Wouldn't it be great if we both worked full time?
Why am I not working full-time?
The crazy thing is is that Kenny and I planned and prepared and wanted to be where we are at. We didn't want to be working crazy schedules. We didn't want the overtime. We just wanted time to be together and time to rest.
What I'm saying is, a few months ago, I was working 40 hours a week and Kenny was working 50+ hours a week and our schedules didn't line up. We'd both get up at 6am for work, and I would get home at 2 or 3 and then have soccer practice from 6-7:30 every night. Kenny usually got home at 6 every night so we would miss each other in the chaos and by the time I got home at 7:45 we only had a precious few hours before we had to go to bed. We were making money, plenty of money for the two of us, but we missed each other and we missed having time to be in community with others. We were being drained. So we decided to make some changes. I gave up two part-time jobs, one of them being on the weekend so we could have every precious moment together. I cut back to 25 hours a week which gave me more time at home. Time to cook dinner for Kenny and make life in our home more restful during the times when we were together. Kenny still worked a lot, but we knew once December came around, things would slow down, and that they did.
Right now I only work part-time. Busy weeks its about 25-30 hours and slow weeks it's down to 12 hours. I have tons of time on my hands. I spend it going on walks with friends, playing cards with my grandma, meeting with teens, crafting, walking my dog, making dinner for Kenny, and numerous other things I had only dreamed that someday I'd have time for.
We have plenty of money in our savings, Dave Ramsey would be proud. We are making enough to get by until Kenny is working full-time again, and we are happier than ever. We have all the free time in the world, and yet we feel guilty and empty at times.
Why is it that the world makes me feel like I need to make money to feel worth? Why do I find it so hard to see the worth in the intangibles? Why is it when you finally reach a place in your life that you've only dreamt of, you want more?
I pray that I will be content in our life, that I will have peace about where we are at right now. That we will be able to enjoy this time together.